Fate has taken me on a quest for hair and led me to Jean-Pierre Barda. I didn’t know who he was. I only knew he was sitting my psyche waiting for a piece of history to bring him out of the darkness. My boyfriend shared the beauty because he thought it was funny. Little did he know that I would fall in love today.
Army of Lovers was a Euro-pop band from the late 80s and 90s that produced beauty and dance too stunning to make it further than Beavis and Butthead here in the states. At least, that’s all I can recall. As I write this blog, I am listening to their 1991 piece “Massive Luxury Overdose.” Army of Lovers is fantastic, their music retains its fantasticness, and were I not blogging, I would be dancing to them right now.
All of Army of Lovers was beautiful in their heyday, actually:
The lady is La Camilla, a model who absolutely loved flashing her crotch randomly for viewers, revealing lovely video-themed underwear. She was also famous for getting into fights with the band. Here is her crotch.
That beautiful Robin-Hood looking man is Alexander Bard, who no longer has his prettiness but retains a massive beard, bigger brain, a world of musical talent, and enough cuntiness to sink a season of RuPaul’s Drag Race, based on what I read in this interview from So So Gay:
“I’m great friends with Jean-Pierre and with our costume designer and artistic director Camilla Thulin… I run into Dominika and Michaela at parties and openings and they [sic]rae busy and sweet but I rarely if ever see La Camilla. She has to take better care of herself and she really looks like she needs a better diet, don’t you think?”
Update: But that’s just the tip. The sweetly voiced Bard is an asshole, and despite his demeanor and gentle gaze, produces amazing public fuck-offs like this (via 12points.tv):
Army Of Lovers declare Sainthood for Santa Camilla – and welcome La Dominika to center stage!
Our Dearest Beloved Sister Camilla, Our Hundreds of Thousands of Fabulous Loyal Fans, and The Chosen Few of the Rest of You Out There in This Cold Cold World who dare to care
Please accept our sincerest and most heartfelt gratitude for the hilarious months of joy and happiness we have shared with You, Our Beloved Sister, during studio recordings, rehearsals, therapy sessions, interviews, and performances in connection to The Original Army Of Lovers’ participation at Melodifestivalen 2013. You are dearest to our hearts, You are forever Our Beloved Sister, You are the undisputed People’s Queen of Army Of Lovers. For all this, we are to You forever grateful.
Your performance at Melodifestivalen in Malmö – from Your fabulous entrance to Your royally ignorant attitude towards even hitting the lipsynching right – make Yours quite possibly the ultimate Army Of Lovers performance ever. Who cares about rehearsing properly in advance, or hitting the right notes, when the world really revolves around the Art of Entries and Exits? And since You practice this Art with the ultimate superiority, how could Your performance possibly be improved upon in any way whatsoever? It was flawless. You are flawless.
Our Beloved Sister, what was Your Melodifestivalen performance if not the quintessential celebration of the Talented Untalented, the Victory of Charisma over Substance, the Glamorous Amateur set against the Boring Professional, the Good Bad Taste against the Bad Good Taste, the Ethic of Anybody with an Attitude is born to be a Star? You personify all these qualities better than anybody else on this planet. You are the proudest Ambassador of the Heritage of Milli Vanilli, and for this we herald You as Our Eternal Queen of Punk!
However, the show must go on! There are wars to battle and win. Army Of Lovers have a huge task ahead of them, fighting hatred and intolerance everywhere until everybody on the planet can have sex with everybody else all of the time. In this year of The Reformation of Army Of Lovers – in all its various incarnations – it is time to take the next step. Just as generously as Dominika stepped aside to let You, La Camilla, and the boys reunite as The Original Army Of Lovers for Melodifestivalen, we now thank You for stepping aside to let Dominika take center stage in the next reincarnation of Army Of Lovers in this Golden Year of 2013.
We therefore today proudly declare Dominika to be La Dominika, and in return we award You the Ascension from La Camilla to Santa Camilla, The Enlightened Global Consciousness of Femme Fatale Hysteria, Our Living Saint! We will always kneel before Your Altar on every stage we enter. You will always be with us in our hearts. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, for Everything!
The Committee for The Continuation of The Reformation of Army Of Lovers
Michaela Dornonville de la Cour
But you don’t be the guy behind Bodies Without Organs (BWO) and retain a sense of politeness. That guy has subjected Europe to single upon single of godawful boy pop, but made it all okay by having this beautiful Skarsgaard-looking porcelain doll singing love and wonder right into your heart.
Bard is also a huge figure in a spiritual atheism religion known as Syntheism, a bisexual sex-positive Pirate Party member, and a giver of TED talks regarding internet culture. The more I read about this guy, the cooler he gets. I think I’m becoming a Bard fan as I write this, even though I like him more than I like his music.
By the way, Army of Lovers is still active. They reunited as a means of activism to combat the growing anti-gay sentiment in Europe, performing for various Pride festivals. After that they joined with Bard’s new musical act Gravitonas to produce a generic europop song to showcase Bard’s amazing red-dyed facial hair and Barda’s hairy brown body splayed in a bathtub. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH BARDA IN THE BATHTUB.
Crucified (skip past the weird interview bullshit thing)
Obsession (More Crotchy Goodness)
My Army Of Lovers (More tongue-in-cheek hairmazingness)
Gravitonas: People Are Lonely Remix (More Barda in Bathtub)