It is Hump Day, so most of us are tired, and what some would rather be doing right now is eating Cheetos and watching old episodes of Stargate SG-1. But for some of you that have more energy, Wednesday night might be saved by a little sexy fun time. Here is my attempt to ruin it for you with weird sex toys. NSFW.
Femme Foot Fatale
If you really like feet but can’t find a girl willing to help you exercise your inner Tarantino, here’s a tool for those lonely nights. The foot comes molded into the shape of one of the ugliest grandma shoes ever sold, just in case your foot fantasies align with People of Walmart a little more often than Frederick’s of Hollywood. The butt plug top is specially designed with small bumps to make it loosely resemble an Indian pagoda with chicken pox. It works well if you’ve ever dreamed about fucking an ankle.
The makers of the ever famous Fleshlight have used their imaginations for great evil by inventing a dildo that looks like it fell off of a dead walker. Finally, someone has imagined a zombie that wants you for your body instead of your brains. For boys who like toys, they’ve also invented a Fleshlight mimicking a vulva with bits of exposed muscle and tendon. Frankly, I think it’s cute that sex toy manufacturers are finally meeting the needs of their extremely disturbed necrophilic contingent. I wonder if they’ll put out a rabbit vibrator that looks like this?
Diablita Rosemary’s Freakbaby
In case you wanted to feel really uncomfortable today, here’s a vaguely pedophilic miniature sex doll designed with two distended holes for maximum penetration. It also has a wiener on the back in case you and your creepy lover want to sandwich the worst Lucky Pierre ever. Though this toy is named after Rosemary’s Baby, it more closely resembles the devil spawn of a kitten and a rotted tree trunk. If this alarms you, just remember that everything that has ever been in alternative Japanese animated porn is still worse than this.
Listen, I’m not one to pick on guys who are already pretty lonely and probably don’t know how to meet girls. But one thing is for certain: having sex with a plastic orifice melted onto a pair of plastic boobs is in no way good for the psyche. Frankly, any sexualized replica of dismembered and re-attached body parts has the potential to birth future Jack the Rippers. Also, the sexual potential of the penis head at the end is as yet unknown. Maybe it is an attempt to make the toy friendly for all genders so it doesn’t look like a toy for guys only. Maybe some people prefer to grind languidly against the bell end of a non-existant penis. Maybe this deformed monster will be the stuff of nightmares.
Sexflesh Kyle Male Masturbator
There are few looks sexier than “deer in headlights.” There is no better way to spend your Hump Day evening than grinding against a muscle man carved out of rubber. Kyle also has a working anus in case you want to make that look of surprise seem more realistic. Kyle is 27.5 inches long and sixteen inches in width, so he’s perfect to satisfy your fantasies of having sex with a well endowed pygmy. He’s also moulded with an eighteen pack, because six just isn’t enough.
Just take one more look at this face.
Don’t worry, readers. Your organs will start working in a couple of days, after the nightmares subside.